Longest Shortest Hour of My Life

Being wheeled away not knowing what is going to happen next is a scary experience. What I am going to describe is what I remember being the longest shortest hour of my life. This is a very personal experience that I was unsure of if I would share it with everyone but I know to heal my heart and soul I need to let it out to move forward. I ask that only well wishes and positivity come from this post and that everyone will understand a small piece of the fight that I went through to be here today.

As I said my final words to my family I would not realize that they would be my last for a while. The nurses began to unplug all the machines I was hooked up to. I had no time to really understand the gravity of the situation until I saw the nurse who had taken care of me the whole time hit her head on the overhead light and not even react. They pushed my bed out to the hall and began to rush to the Operating Room. My two nurses or guardian angels I would say kept looking me in the eye saying that everything was fine and that I just need to stay calm and not to worry. I looked at my doctor and my nurses and saw their state of panic yet focus. I kept telling myself over and over that it would be over soon and that I would be back with my family. I was in a state of calmness. They pushed me into the OR and had to transfer me onto the OR table. I has this uneasy feeling of helplessness. They hooked me back up and I could hear my heartbeat racing. The anesthesiologist came and began to set up in case they decided I need to go under. My doctor asked for the time and the nurse replied 17:20. As they started, I laid on the stretcher with a heart full of emotions. My mind was calm but my body was not. The nurse assured me that everything was ok and that if i felt any changes I should let her know. The room suddenly became more occupied as more and more nurses flooded the room. One nurse would run out to get something and another one would bring something in. I could hear my doctor becoming frustrated with the amount of commotion happening. She yelled to minimize the traffic and that the nurse tech stay by her side. I started to feel cold...really cold. So cold that my arms were trembling. I kept telling myself that I needed to calm down and control my arms. Just when I thought I had control of my arms they would start to tremble again. They were trembling so hard they were almost jumping off the table. They put a warming blanket over me that blew hot air that seemed to help but only for a bit. I heard my doctor ask for the small balloon to insert into my uterus to stop the bleeding but it didn't work. My chest started to feel cold and tight. It felt like someone was strangling my heart with ice cold hands. I could hear my heart racing and knew that I needed to control my breathing. I kept telling my self to breath in deep and slow. Every breathe was beginning to take a lot of effort. My mind was running at 100mph now with questions. Why couldn't I control my body? What was happening? When was it gonna be over? Could I be dying? I just couldn't bear to leave my family. I knew I had to hold on and fight for them. Fight to hold my babies. Fight to be with my husband. Fight to see my parents and siblings again. I had so much to fight for and that gave me the strength to keep my eyes open and alert. I knew I had to tell the nurses my current sensations so I told the nurses that my chest was cold. She rubbed my head and said to just keep breathing because they were almost done. I knew that couldn't be true since I just heard my doctor say it wasn't working but I didn't question her. I took her words sincerely and hung onto the hope that it was almost over. She asked for the bigger balloon and to her relieve it seemed to be working. I felt relieved with the thought that this would soon be over and I could be with my loved ones again. Then she noticed blood streaming out. The balloon wasn't working. It was just pooling the blood behind it. She quickly took it out. At this point I was starting to get light headed and my vision was becoming very blurry. I was forcing myself to keep my eyes open but they just wanted to keep closing on me. As I laid there i kept thinking keep your eyes open!! Don't fall asleep! I was scared that once my eyes closed they would not open again. I told the nurse that I was feeling light headed and starting to pass out. My doctor walked over and said "Im sorry. We couldn't save it. We have to do the hysterectomy". I looked her in the eyes and could see her sadness for me. I nodded my head and replied "Do whatever you have to do". She walked away quickly and her shadow seemed to still hover over me. The anesthesiologist grabbed the mask and said ok honey your gonna sleep now. The doctor yelled for the time and the nurses quickly said 18:30. I could not believe that I had been there for an hour already. As I dozed to sleep the faces of my loved ones came rushing one by one and my heart felt filled with loved. Although I didn't know what was about to happen or if I would wake up I knew that my loved ones would be there for me. At that moment my life felt complete and decide to fight for them at whatever cost. It was the longest shortest hour of my life! A moment that would change me! My eyes closed and I faded away holding onto the hope that I would wake up and see my loved ones again.

Welcome Baby Gunner!

On Thursday October 2 at 16:24 we welcomed our precious baby boy Gunner. We were so blessed and thankful to have a normal labor and delivery. The events that happened after my delivery were traumatic and life changing. This blog is intended to not only inform everyone of what happened but it is also to help me heal from the physical and emotional pain. My journey to recovery began like this.

I was induced in the morning at 04:00 and given small doses of pictocin to get my labor going. They checked to see how dilated and effaced my cervix was and throughout my labor he had a steady heartbeat with no complications in our sight. After 6 hours of labor they had to break water to enhance my contractions. At 7cm I could no longer stand the pain of the contractions and decided to get an epidural. The pain was so intense that they had to give me a second dose because the first dose did not work. Within the next hour or two I was checked again and the nurse said I was ready to push. My OB/GYN and nurse did a wonderful job guiding and encouraging me through active labor. With three good pushes Gunner was born!! Standing beside me through it all was my mom, husband, sister, and daughter :) They immediately placed Gunner on my chest for skin to skin and I was able to give him 5-10 loving moments before they pulled him away and began their newborn assessment. The room was filled with so much love and at this point I was in pure tranquility with the birth of my beautiful baby son.

Lying there in serenity my OB/GYN continued to clean and stitch me up. I had a second degree perineal tear that was resolved quickly and smoothly. My OB/GYN said congratulations and that she would see my soon then walked out of the room so that nurses could finish their job. As the nurses were cleaning me up they noticed a steady stream of blood coming from my vaginal area. They continued to observe and push on the top of my tummy to see how much blood would come out. The blood continued to stream and the nurses said they needed my OB/GYN to come take a look just to make sure. My doctor took a look and noticed my blood was coming out in clots and heavily. She was unsure at the time from what or how since I had successfully delivered my son at this time. My doctor then said that she would have to take me back to the OR to check out what was going on. As they wheeled my out from the room I looked at Todd and said to take care of Gunner and Aurora. I remember my mom faintly saying don't worry we are here. I looked at her with my sister and Aurora and said I'm gonna be ok, don't worry I will see you soon. This is when the mad dash to save my life truly began.